Grief is painful. Think about how the holidays feel after losing someone you love: the empty chair at the table, the silence where laughter used to be, the traditions that don’t feel the same anymore. Loss changes our lives in ways we never imagined, and grief is the heavy feeling that follows.
But What Exactly is Grief?
Grief is the deep ache we feel when we lose someone or something we love. It’s more than sadness; it is the confusion, heartbreak, and an overwhelming sense that life will never be the same.
While we often associate grief with death, it can stem from any significant loss:
- Losing a job or career identity
- The end of a relationship or divorce
- The passing of a beloved pet
- Chronic illness or declining health
Grief affects more than just our emotions; it takes a toll on our body and mind, draining energy and making even simple tasks impossible. But despite its pain, grief serves a purpose: it helps us process loss, understand our emotions, and, in time, find a way to heal.
In this guide, we’ll explore three types of grief: Anticipatory Grief, Normal Grief, and Complicated Grief, as well as Ways To Cope When It Feels Unbearable.
Let’s take a closer look at each one.
I. Anticipatory Grief: When You Mourn Before the Loss
We often think grief begins after a loss. But sometimes, grief arrives early, long before the final goodbye.
What is Anticipatory Grief?
Anticipatory grief is the pain of knowing what’s coming but being powerless to stop it. It lingers between hope and farewell, between holding on and preparing to let go. It’s the quiet sorrow of watching someone fade before your eyes, grieving them in pieces while they are still here.
This type of grief is common among caregivers and loved ones of those with:
- Terminal illness (Cancer, Alzheimer’s, Stroke)
- Progressive conditions (Frontotemporal Dementia, ALS)
- Advanced age and declining health
Real-Life Example:
A son watches her once-strong father struggle to remember her name. A spouse holds their partner’s hand, knowing each breath could be the last. It’s like watching the sunset, knowing night is coming but wishing for more light.
Signs & Emotions of Anticipatory Grief
Unlike sudden loss, anticipatory grief is a storm of emotions that hits in waves:
- Sadness – You are grieving in real-time. You grieve moments that will never come, even as you try to cherish the ones that will remain. Every conversation feels bittersweet because you know they won’t last forever. The sorrow lingers, even while your loved one is still here.
- Relief and guilt – Watching someone you love suffer is heartbreaking. Sometimes, you might hope for their peace, even when it means losing them. But guilt rushes in as soon as that thought crosses your mind. You begin to wonder if it’s wrong to think that way.
- Anger and frustration – You can see what’s coming but feel powerless to stop it. This unfairness can make you resent the illness, the doctors, family members, and yourself. Frustration may build up, making everything unbearable.
- Anxiety – Grieving before loss comes with a constant sense of worry. Every phone call or a slight change in their condition triggers panic. The thought of the funeral, the paperwork, and the aftermath may lead to persistent stress, making every daily task exhausting.
- Loneliness – Others may not realize you’re already grieving because the loss hasn’t technically happened yet. So, you may grieve in silence, carrying a sorrow that no one else seems to understand.
The Deep Layers of Anticipatory Grief
More than that, anticipatory grief isn’t just the fear of losing someone; it’s about losing the life you once shared and the routines that grounded you.
Here’s what makes this grief even heavier:
1. Watching Them Lose their Independence
Watching a loved one struggle with simple tasks is one of the most painful parts of anticipatory grief.
- The father who once built your childhood home now needs help just standing up.
- The mother, who cared for everyone, now struggles to eat.
- The partner who was always strong now depends on you for everything.
It’s a heartbreaking shift. From watching them thrive to watching them need you in ways they never did before, you love them deeply, but it hurts to see them lose pieces of themselves.
2. Accepting That They Won’t Get Better
There’s always a part of us that hopes for a miracle. That the doctors are wrong, that your loved one will get stronger, not weaker.
But at some point, you realize they’ll never recover.
And this realization is, and can be, devastating.
3. The Shift in Your Own Identity
As your loved one’s health declines, your role changes too:
- You take on new responsibilities you never imagined.
- You put their needs before yours, often at the cost of your well-being.
- You start to feel more like a nurse than a family member.
This identity shift can feel isolating, changing you in unexpected ways.
How to Cope with Anticipatory Grief
Anticipatory grief is heavy; you’re grieving someone who’s still here. How do you hold on without breaking apart?
- Embrace every Emotion– Don’t suppress sadness, anger, or guilt. Processing emotions lightens the weight. The more you permit yourself to experience all these emotions, the lighter your grief will eventually feel.
- Have Hard Conversations–We often avoid deep conversations because they hurt us deeply. But later, the things left unsaid weigh on us the most. Ask about their happiest memories, favorite songs, and life lessons. Tell them you love them more than you think you should. These conversations will become treasures when they are gone.
- Do What Needs to Be Done– Facing the reality of a loved one’s passing doesn’t mean you’re giving up. It means you love and care enough to ensure everything is in place. Handling funeral plans, paperwork, and decisions now prevents stress later. These choices, though painful, are not only an act of love but also necessary.
- Lean on Support– Not everyone will understand. Some might say, “At least you still have them.” Others might expect you to be strong because the loss hasn’t happened yet. In this case, find the people who get it. Whether it’s a close friend, a grief counselor, or an online support group, sharing your emotions lightens the weight and reminds you that you’re not alone.
- Take Care of Yourself, Too– It’s easy to lose yourself in caregiving and push your needs aside because others’ needs feel more urgent. But grief is physically exhausting, and if you don’t rest, eat, and allow yourself small moments of peace, it will consume you.
- Live in the Moment – It’s easy to get stuck in the fear of what’s coming. But you’ll miss what’s still here if you spend every moment dreading the end of your loved one’s life. Hold their hand. Watch their favorite show together. Laugh when you can. Being present is one of the greatest gifts you can give them and yourself.
Final Thought on Anticipatory Grief
Anticipatory grief is unique. Unlike sudden loss, it gives us time
Time to say I love you one more time.
Time to share one last story.
Time to create a memory that will stay with us forever.
And yet, even with all this time, losing them will still hurt.
We can never be fully prepared for that final goodbye.
And that’s okay.
Sometimes, we don’t have to be ready to lose our loved ones. We just have to love them while they’re here. And when they’re gone, we’ll learn to live with their absence while holding on to what they meant to us.
II. Normal/Acute Grief: Coping with the Pain After the Loss Happens
If anticipatory grief is the storm gathering on the horizon, normal grief is when the sky splits open, and the rain comes pouring down. It’s waking up to the harsh truth: they are truly gone.
But What Is Normal (Acute) Grief?
Normal grief, sometimes called acute grief, is the raw, unfiltered pain that follows loss. It shows up in the quiet moments, the unsent messages, the melody that once felt comforting but now feels unbearable, and the daily habits that no longer make sense without them. It’s the ache of missing your loved one, of wishing for one more conversation. One more hug.
This grief is deeply personal, unfolding in its own time and in different forms. Some days, it feels like a slow, aching wound. On other days, it knocks the air out of your lungs.
Acute grief carries unpredictable and sometimes suffocating emotions:
Signs and Emotions of Acute Grief include:
- Shock– In the early days, your mind may numb the pain. Everything feels surreal, and you may struggle to comprehend the loss. For example, you may expect your loved one to walk through the door, text you, or exist somewhere in the world. The pain can be overwhelming.
- Anger—Grief isn’t always soft; sometimes, it burns. You may feel angry at life for taking them too soon, at the world for keeping moving, yet your heart is still stuck, and at yourself, for all the ways you think you could have done more.
- Guilt – The mind replays the past like an old film, pausing at every missed call, every argument, every moment you may have wished you had done differently. Did I tell them I loved them enough? Should I have visited more often? Guilt may creep in.
- Numbness – Sometimes, the emotions are too big to feel simultaneously. So, instead of feeling sad, you may experience emptiness, a hollow, disconnected feeling that makes the world seem distant and unreal. You may go through the motions, reporting work, making meals, and showing up, but deep inside, everything feels muted.
- Physical Pain – Acute grief is not just emotional; it settles into our bones. You may experience grief in the way your chest tightens and in the way exhaustion weighs down your limbs. Your appetite may change.
The Deep Layers of Acute Grief
Grief doesn’t live in the big moments but in the small, ordinary details. More than just their absence, it’s the regrets, and unfamiliar routines.
Here’s what makes this type of grief even heavier:
1. The Daily Rituals That Remain
No one else understands the meaning behind the good morning texts, the inside jokes, or how they always knew how to make your coffee just right.
- Their favorite mug still sits in the cupboard.
- Their scent lingers in their clothes.
- The world moves on, but grief stays in these small, sacred details.
2. The Loss of Security
Their presence was a steady foundation, something you never imagined would crack. And now, life feels uncertain.
- The house is quieter.
- The world feels colder without their reassuring presence beside you.
Their absence leaves life feeling unsteady, unfamiliar, and full of unknowns.
3. The Words Left Unsaid
Then there are things you never got to say, things you didn’t realize mattered until it was too late.
- If only I had answered that last call.
- If only I had hugged them a little longer.
- If only I had one more chance to say I love you.
The weight of unspoken words is unbearable.
How to Cope with Acute Grief
There is no shortcut to this type of grief nor perfect words to make it hurt less. But there are ways to carry it differently:
- Let Yourself Feel Everything– Do not rush to “be okay.” Suppressing your emotions won’t make the pain disappear. Allow yourself to cry, to feel angry, and to sit with your sadness. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Write them letters. Whisper their name in the dark. Do whatever it takes to survive this moment.
- Hold Tight to Those Who Understand– Not everyone will know what to say. Some will avoid you or disappear altogether. Others will say the wrong things even when they mean well. But there will be those who stay, the ones who don’t try to fix you or think that you’re grieving wrong. Find them. Let them in. Let them remind you that you are not alone.
- Honor Them in Small, Quiet Ways– Love does not end when life does. Find ways to keep them with you. Light a candle in their memory. Wear their favorite sweater. Make their favorite meal. Speak their name. Keep their love alive in the little things in ways only you would understand.
- Take Care of Yourself, Too: Grief is physically draining and can overwhelm you if you don’t care for yourself. Sometimes self-care isn’t about spa days or long vacations; it’s about eating a proper meal instead of snacking, stepping outside, and feeling the sun on your skin. It’s allowing the world to gently remind you that you’re still here, even when it feels like you shouldn’t be.
- Know That You Will Not Always Feel This Way: Right now, the pain feels unbearable, and it may seem like joy is forever out of reach. But grief changes; it softens over time. There will come a day when sadness isn’t the first thing you feel upon waking. A day will come when you say their name with a smile instead of tears.
Final Thought on Acute Grief
Acute grief is raw, overwhelming, and sometimes painful. Yet it exists because of the love that came before the loss.
You don’t need to rush through this pain.
Many at times a loss like this might end up staying with us forever.
And that’s okay.
But even in their absence, know that they remain a part of us. While you might never “get over” your loved one, with time, you will learn to carry them in a way that feels lighter.
III. Complicated Grief: When Grief Won’t Go Away
If normal grief is the storm that eventually passes, complicated grief is a relentless hurricane that refuses to let go. It clings to you, always present, lingering long after others believe you should be healing. Each day feels like waking up to the same raw emptiness, a heaviness in your heart that never seems to lighten.
What is Complicated Grief ?
Complicated grief, also known as prolonged grief disorder, is a deep and intense form of grief that doesn’t ease over time.
While normal grief softens gradually, complicated grief feels like a open wound that never heals. The loss doesn’t just shape your life; it overtakes it. One moment, you might sip your morning coffee and almost feel like yourself again, only for a familiar scent, a fleeting memory, or a place to drag you back under, and the pain feels just as sharp as the day they left.
This type of grief doesn’t let you heal; it traps you. It’s as if time stopped when they left, leaving you frozen, unable to breathe freely or move forward.
If your grief feels unbearable, suffocating, and never-ending, you might be experiencing complicated grief.
Signs and Symptoms of Complicated Grief
Complicated grief is not just sadness. It’s an emotional imprisonment. These signs may help you recognize if your grief has become more than just mourning:
- Persistent Sadness– Unlike normal grief, which gradually softens, complicated grief keeps sadness hovering over you constantly. Each day feels like waking up to the same heavy emptiness, with no relief. Even moments of distraction don’t last long before the weight of grief pulls you back in. Happiness may feel out of reach no matter what you do.
- Yearning That Never Ends–You don’t just miss them; you crave their presence in an almost unbearable way. You may find yourself searching for pieces of them in old messages or seeking comfort in places they once loved. The thought of a future without them is too painful to imagine. This deep, all-consuming longing keeps you tethered to the past, unable to move on.
- Avoidance of Reminders– While some people hold tightly to memories, others do the opposite; they avoid anything that reminds them of their loss. You might steer clear of their favorite places, put away pictures, or even avoid certain people who bring up your loved one’s name. This isn’t about wanting to forget them; it’s a protective mechanism against the overwhelming pain. Over time, though, this avoidance can make healing even harder.
- Emotional Numbness– Rather than feeling the full spectrum of grief, you might feel… nothing at all. The world feels distant, and conversations hollow. Things that once brought joy no longer matter. It’s as if a part of you closed off to survive the pain, leaving you disconnected from everything and everyone around you. You go through the motions, but inside, it feels as though life itself has become muted.
- Depression– When grief becomes all-consuming, it can seep into every part of your life, leaving you feeling hopeless and questioning whether life holds any meaning. Pain no longer affects your emotions; it drains energy and motivation, making even simple tasks impossible. It’s as though you’re merely existing, not truly living. If this emotional suffering continues, it can evolve into a more profound depression.
- Thoughts of Self-Harm or Suicide– When grief feels unbearable, the idea of being reunited with your loved one may start to seem like the only way to escape the overwhelming pain. The persistent longing for their presence, combined with an inability to move on, may lead to thoughts of self-harm or even suicide as you desperately seek relief from the emotional torment.
The Deep Layers of Complicated Grief
Complicated grief doesn’t just take the person away; it takes the world you knew and the version of yourself that existed with them.
Here’s what makes this type of grief heavier:
1. A Life That No Longer Feels Like Yours
- Their chair stays empty, not because you’re holding onto it, but because sitting there feels like stepping into a reality you’re not ready to face.
- Their contact lingers on your phone, not because you can’t delete it, but because doing so feels like erasing the proof that they were here and that they mattered.
You’re not just struggling with sadness but also with your very own existence.
2. A Future That No Longer Feels Possible
- Holidays, birthdays, and even weekends feel hollow. Joy feels out of reach, like it belongs to someone you used to be, not who you are now.
- Moving forward feels like a betrayal. If you smile, does it mean you’re forgetting them? If you dream again, does it mean leaving them behind?
You’re not just grieving their absence; you’re grieving the future you were supposed to have together.
3. The Isolation That Deepens the Pain
At first, people check in. They ask how you’re doing. But as time passes, the world moves on, but you don’t.
- Friends, stop asking, assuming you’re “better” by now.
- Socializing becomes exhausting; every conversation feels like it belongs to someone else’s world, where they still exist.
- You withdraw, not because you don’t need people, but because putting your grief into words is difficult.
The isolation from others, from life, and yourself deepens the pain.
How to Cope With Complicated Grief
Complicated grief can make one feel lost. It’s like you’re carrying a weight no one can see. But there is a way forward, one small step at a time, to honor both the love and the loss. Here is what can help you manage your grief;
- Stop Avoiding Reminders–Avoidance may feel like protection but can become dangerous over time. If you’ve been steering clear of their favorite places, belongings, or conversations about them, you may be silently prolonging your pain. Try reintroducing their presence in small ways: a single photo on your desk, a song you once loved together, or a brief visit to a place you’ve been avoiding. Healing isn’t about erasing them; it’s about learning to hold their memory without fear.
- Break the Isolation, Even When You Don’t Want To– Grief often pulls you into solitude, making the world feel distant and unrecognizable. While being around others may seem exhausting, small moments of connection can prevent loneliness from swallowing you whole. Reach out to someone who understands, join a support group where your pain is acknowledged without explanation, or sit in a space where life continues around you. You don’t have to share your grief out loud, but you don’t have to carry it alone, either.
- If You Feel Like Giving Up, Reach Out– When grief becomes unbearable, thoughts of self-harm or suicide can creep in. This is not a sign of weakness but an indication that your pain has become too heavy to bear. Instead of suffering in silence, seek help ASAP. Support is available. Your grief is real, but so is the possibility of healing. Please know you are needed in this world, even in your brokenness.
- Consider Medication– Grief and depression can intertwine, making it hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. If you find yourself stuck in unbearable sorrow, unable to function, or feeling like life no longer holds meaning, medication may help. It won’t erase your pain or your love for them, but it can ease the weight enough for you to begin healing.
- Find a Therapist Specializing in Grief–Healing is a path best walked with others by your side. Don’t hesitate to seek help. A therapist trained in grief can help you manage the pain without you feeling trapped in it. Through therapy, you can develop coping strategies, rebuild a sense of purpose, and find a way to carry a loved one memory without being consumed by loss. Help is available. Reach out.
➡️ Find a grief-informed therapist here
Finding Your Way Through Grief
Grief is a road no one chooses, yet here you are, walking it.
Whether you’re anticipating a goodbye, living through unbearable loss, or feeling stuck in the weight of grief that won’t fade, the pain is real, and it is deep; each phase brings its heartache. The absence of a loved one is never just about their physical presence; it’s the quiet spaces, the broken routines, and the future that now seems uncertain.
But even in the darkest moments, hope still exists. Healing doesn’t mean leaving them behind; it’s about carrying their love with you in a new way.
Grief shouldn’t be endured alone. It’s okay to lean on others, to ask for help, and to seek comfort in knowing that healing is possible, even when it feels out of reach.
The weight of grief may never entirely leave, but one day, it will feel lighter to carry.
